Coincidence, that’s all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence. There are no miracles. There is no such thing as fate. Nothing is meant to be.

Nostalgia

I passed the place where I first met him, and instantaneously, the feeling of nostalgia flooded my brain like hell. I tried to distract my brain using noise, but my efforts are fruitless. Suddenly, I felt like melancholic again. Drifting away from reality, reminiscing past events, wishing it never ended, and worse, wishing it never happened. And just like a flash of light, I was alone, again..

01/21/10

I super kaduper miss this friend who is now based in Japan! I hope she calls! I have lots of kwento! Hope we could catch up soon! And I hope she comes back home!!! Life without that Japanese girl is so sad!!!

I can say that today is an ohh-so-malas-day! First, I woke up to a disaster. The gallon of drinking water fell so weirdly which resulted to a flood that I had to clean. Ohhh this is the hardest part of being alone and away from your real home. Next, because I was in a hurry to school, I left my ballpen (e I was gonna have an exam later!). plus the fuck-it’s-hard-how-do-I-answer-this exam in Public Administration. Haaay lots of mistakes, how I wish I pass.

Really can’t avoid thoughts of him… but I’m trying so hard, really. Moving on naman doesn’t happen overnight, right?!

01/18/10

I guess it's about time to let you go.. To set you free.. To just let things fall into place.. Into how/what they're supposed to be. I've had enough, we've had enough. But that doesn't mean that I am going to forget everything about us, coz doing that is aligned next to impossible. What I'm just gonna do is accept the fact that we can't be together.. That we can no longer be together. No more than that. All the memories that we've created will be staying in my heart forever. Oh well I guess it will only be forgotten when I get an alzheimer's. Haha! I'm just so grateful that you came into my life, even though you have to go now. You taught me a lot of things. You made me so happy even for just a short period of time. You made me feel important, special, and more than everything else, loved. You may have hurt me a lot of times, but that can never beat those times where you made me feel euphoric.

I'm not even sure if everything that you've shown and told me are true, but at least, you made me believe you and through that, I felt so happy. I don't, and never will I, regret the moment that I've known you nor the times I've alloted for you. I just have to let you go. Even if it hurts. I have to do this.

I'd just like to thank you for everything. For the lessons you've taught me, patience, the times you made me laugh, cheered me up, stood by me, the money you spent just to be able to communicate with me (fuck our distance why did you have to go there!), the kilig moments, the kwentos, and most of all, the time you've spent just to be with me, or be able to talk to me. Everything. Even the smallest things make me so thankful. I am so glad to have had a person like you in my life. You're such a blessing, and I don't know what is it that I've done to deserve a person like you, and a love that you've given me.

But now, as I've said, it's about time to let you go and move on. It's about time to make you (and see you) happy, even though not with me :(.

01/14/10

And then we were both online. We talked. Okay, he was sweet, yes. But you know, unlike before, I no longer feel the sincerity from everything he said. From saying that he has already bought the bag that he promised, and saying/requesting that as soon as he comes back home he wants us to be together for the whole day, that his friends were asking about me, he was saying “(my name) lalabs ko” while talking to a friend through FB, to saying that he wants me to introduce to his parents as he come back home. Really, I don’t feel the sincerity. Not to mention pa pala the fact that he denied when I asked using YK. Hay nako! I hate this, really! I really wanna start forgetting about us but it’s not as easy as saying it e. no matter how willing I am, I really can’t take a step forward and I don’t know why. Or maybe, whenever I do, parang he does something that would make me think twice. I’ve been trying to gather up the courage to tell him that I wanna stop everything that’s going on between us, but I know myself that I’m not yet ready. Poor me!

Plus I hate pa pala the fact that avoiding thoughts of him is one of my 2010 goals but dude, what’s happening huh?

01/13/10

I’m sad for no apparent reason, or so I thought? Well I guess I’m just missing him. And I hate the fact that I couldn’t do anything about it, as much as I want to. No matter how hard I try to avoid thinking about him, I still can’t. what makes me even sadder is the dilemma that… uhh.. he has lost his interest. You know… about the two of us. Three months more… how I wish he calls… or at least texts… and I hope that he and that ex have nothing (insert word here coz I can’t find the right word lol) between them or else… I’d be hurt, surely!

1/08/10 (okay, it's 2010!!!)

And I hate it! Last 01/01 he sent me an advanced happy new year greeting in which the word happy was spelled apie. Now why do I hate it?! Because that’s the way the ex spells such! Plus the fact that he added her in FB. Plus he’s no longer calling nor texting. Okay I know that that is so mababaw but men, it hurts! But I’ve decided that I shouldn’t dwell on what’s happening between us now coz it’s non-sense. Dwelling on such would just stop me from moving forward. I should stop thinking about us. Come on, it’s a brand new year! I am now gonna stop thinking about the things that are going on/went on between us. I know it’s hard but trust me, I can make it! Life has a lot of joyful things to offer, and you’re just one helluvah pain in the ass! You shouldn’t occupy a space in my heart nor in my mind. Neither should I waste my time thinking about us. Think, think, think, if it’s bound to happen, it will happen. Everything will fall into place at the right moment. When I am ready. I know.

12/27/09

He’s been consistently communicating (calls and texts) with me since the 22nd. He made my Christmas happy. I’m happy and I can’t deny it. What I am afraid of is that I might get used to it and then when he stops, I would yearn for it. Haaaay. In more than 3 months from now, he’d be back home… Yey, I’m so excited! But something’s bothering me. That effin’ ex girlfriend also went there in SG… but he assured me that it’s me that he loves now and he’s never gonna like her anymore. Although he admitted that they’re talking. But they only talk for matters concerning their work. Haaay. Is hould trust him! So far, so good naman e. March, April, please come soon. I wanna be with him already. 

12/12/09

Wala lang. I just hate the fact that I'm missing you again. And I'm no longer happy with this because first, I don't even know if you (still) feel the same way or worse, if you (actually) felt the same way. I just wanna get rid of this feeling because everytime it comes, I can't help but feel hurt kasi I don't have even a single clue woth regards to how you feel about me. Secondly, you're no longer calling nor texting, which for me is a sign that you're no longer interested because if you are, you would have been doing so, right? We may be keeping in touch online but for me that isn't enough, lalo na on your part because yun nga, it makes me think that you're no longer interested or your feelings are gone (if ever you REALLY had any). Well perhaps our distance made you realize that you never really loved me at all. Good for you, yet bad for me because I don't understand why I still keep on holding on when a lot of signs have been saying that I should let go. I haven't realized (or should I?!) that I'm not really into you or at least, no longer into you. Haaaay basta! I miss you and I hate you for that!!!

12/09/09

Nothing much. I've just missed him again. I miss talking to him, spending time with himlaughing with him, texting, chatting, pur never-ending kwentos, those stupid little fights, the jokes.. basta! Everything about him...about us! About what and how the two of us used to be. I know it's kinda impossible for that to happen again. It's not that I don't trust him but syempre hindi mo naman maaalis sakin to doubt yung sinasabi nya diba. Ewan ko ba, I know I'm used (already) to not having him around anymore. It's just that at times, I really can't avoid thinking about him and what the two of us have shared together. I don't know what to expect e. I don't know what's gonna happen next. All I know is I still have the feelings. I'm just used to the fact that we're afar from each other. Okay lang sakin if he loses his feelings for me, in case meron nga talaga, basta please Lord help me move on now, please?