Of all goodbyes, the hardest is the one which your ears never heard but your heart knows it is already being said.
Tears fall as I create this entry. Hindi ko alam. Sobrang hirap na ko with what I'm going through pero pinipilit ko na lang solohin ang nararamdaman ko. Ayoko makipagusap kahit kanino. Ayokong makita ng kahit na sino kung ano ang nararamdaman at nararanasan ko right at this moment. Kaso, tao lang din ako. Kailangan kong ilabas kung anong nararamdaman ko. Hirap na hirap na ko. Since this blog is my outlet, dito ko na lang ilalabas lahat. Keber sa mga makakabasa. Wala kahit isang tao that I personally know, knows that this blog exists. Pinili ko tong gawin para everytime I have something to rant and rave, dito ko na lang ilalabas.
Hay... I don't know kung paano ko sisimulan to. All I know is gusto ko mailabas yung nagpapabigat sa damdamin ko ngayon. It all started 2 years ago. There is this friend na nakilala ko somewhere. Naging close kami because at that time, pareho kami ng pinapagdaanan. Then one day, she introduced me to her high school friend, through friendster. This high school friend, let's just call him James, sa simula pa lang ng pagkakakilala namin wala nang ilangan. Asaran na kami kung asaran. Ewan, I wasn't that interested sa kanya during that time and I guess he wasn't interested at me as well. As time went by, I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend. Pero tuloy pa din ang kwentuhan at asaran. As friends syempre. Yung relationship namin ng boyfriend ko that time wasn't good so we had to end it. Si "James" naman and his girlfriend medyo nagtagal ang relationship. Then come the first month of 2009, nagbreak sila. Tapos... Come the last week of March, nagsimula yan sa facebook e. I saw him through our common friend so I added him up. Upon accepting my request, he posted on my wall. Syempre nang-aasar and stuff like that. Hindi ko alam paano naging ganun pero by the time that he posted on my wall, pareho kaming online. Tapos when he went offline nagtext sya agad sakin. Hanggang constant na yung texting namin as in day by day, from the moment we wake up 'til the time we sleep magkatext kami. Nagtataka ako kasi ang tyaga nya din, kahit HAHA na lang ang reply ko, he still manages to open a new topic. Then come the second week of April. He had summer classes and I had mine as well. I don't know how it all started, ang alam ko biglaan lang yan e, one day magkatext kami as usual then nagbibiruan kami. Sabi niya "libre mo ko!" sabi ko "o sige tara dito sa *toot!* (my school). I thought he was just kidding, nagulat na lang ako na pupunta pala sya talaga.
On our first meeting, there was no intimidation that took place. Kung paano kami mag-gaguhan sa text, ganun na ganun din kami. Then ayun, nasundan ng nasundan hanggang sa we meet twice to thrice a week pinupuntahan nya ko sa school ko. There are times na pag magkatext kami niloloko ko sya, sinasabi ko "Wag ganun baka ma-fall ako nyan at hindi mo naman ako masalo". He said "E ano naman kung mafall ka, normal lang naman yun. Kahit ano mangyari nandito lang ako hindi kita iiwan. Whether you like it or not." Tangina, sinong hindi mafofall dyan diba? Then one day, he admitted that he's already falling. I was falling as well, hindi ko lang inamin because I wasn't sure yet. Everytime na magkasama kami, may mga gestures sya na alam mong hindi ginagawa ng isang kaibigan sa isang kaibigan. Gets mo? Hehe! Syempre, being the not-so-Maria-Clara that I am, hinahayaan ko lang syang gawin yun, kinikilig ako e, bakit ba!
Dumating sa point na sinabi ko sa kanya na natatakot na ako kasi I'm on the verge of falling na siguro kailangan kong iwasan muna yun. He misunderstood what I said. Nasaktan daw sya ganyan ganyan. Basta ayun, then after nyan nagkaaminan na na mahal namin ang isa't isa. But then, we've never talked about "us" being "together". Yon ang mali. Pero kasi, he never really asked me about that. So ayun, okay naman. There are times na pinipilit nya ko pumunta sa kanila papakilala nya daw ako sa family nya. His parents are living abroad, he said na pag uwi nila he will introduce me. Then last week he told me na nag e-mail sya sa parents nya and kinekwento nya daw ako. Sinabi daw nya na "Mama paguwi nyo dito papakilala ko sa inyo si (my name)". He told me that he even sent them my picture. I just don't know kung totoo yun or nambobola sya. Then his parents called him daw, nangangamusta sa kanya then asked about me. Syempre I was kilig, but then I was wondering kung totoo yun. So there, okay naman ang relationship (or whatever you call it) namin.
Until last Tuesday (today is Saturday), I noticed na parang ang dami nang nagbabago. Basta madami na. Hindi na nangyayari yung mga nakasanayan ko. Iba na sya. Ibang-iba na. Then come Wednesday, hindi sya nagtext the whole day. Alam kong may load sya. I thought busy lang sya kasi his band has a recording that day. Then I sent him a message around 11PM before I slept, but still, I got no message from him. Kinabukasan, I found out that he was online around 11PM. My God. Pero wala eh, wala akong karapatang magalit because our relationship has no commitment. Hindi sya sakin. That's the saddest thing. On that day din pala he sent me a text message around 5PM. Ako pa ang sinabihan nyang hindi nagtetext. Text daw sya ng text sakin but then I didn't send him even a single message so he thought daw that I have no load. I asked him kung ano ang tinext nya, sabi nya madami daw. Damn, ano yun he sent me so many messages yet I didn't receive any? Ano yun, text lang nya ang hindi ko narereceive? Weird diba? Theh he said kung ayaw mong maniwala eh di wag. But then pinalampas ko na lang yun kasi as I've said, I have no right to demand or even get mad when he's not making paramdam because in the first place, we're not officially together. It hurts diba?
Then come yesterday, my friend texted him around 2PM using a different number, nagrereply naman sya. Then nagtext sya sakin around 5PM din. I asked him kung kakagising lang nya and he said yes. My God, huling huli ang kasinungalingan. But I had to stop myself from getting mad kasi mabubuking that my friend and I were the ones texting him. Okay naman ang conversation namin until around 9PM hindi na sya nagreply. Hindi na sya nagtext. Then he texted at around 5AM kanina saying sorry that he wasn't able to text kasi his phone had no battery. Nasa gig kasi sila ng band nya kagabi. Hindi ko nireplyan. Feeling ko nagsisinungaling eh. Pero until now, as of 6:30PM I haven't received any message from him. I texted him earlier around 5PM pero hindi sya nagreply. I know he's awake dahil a while ago he posted something in my wall.
Haaaay. Bottom line is, I am stupid. I held on, and still holding on, to a relationship that I know would hurt me in the end. I don't know what's with him, he says he loves me but why is he not asking me if, you know, kung pwedeng magkaron kami ng commitment. Perhaps he's just not that into me? Haaaaay. Ako na naman ang talo. He's slowly saying goodbye. Okay lang naman sana sakin kung iwan ako e, basta magsabi sana sya hindi yung ngayon nalulungkot ako without knowing kung ano gusto nya at balak nya mangyari. Haaaay. Hindi ko alam how to go through the day ng wala na sya. Katulad ngayon. Di ko talaga alam. Masyado akong na-attach sa kanya. My fault, I know. I should've listened to what my friend adviced me before. Pero wala e, ang sakin naman kasi as long as it makes me happy go lang kahit alam kong in the end, I might get hurt. At ayan nga, the end has just come.
Kahit anong iyak ang gawin ko, talagang the pain doesn't go away e. Hindi ko na alam ano gagawin ko. I thought he was different. But then, napatunayan kong he's just another guy whose intentions is to hurt some girls!
Ewan ko na... Hanggang ngayon eto pa din ako umaasa. SANA MAGTEXT NA SIYA. :((
